There Must Be Something Wrong With Me

When I was younger, I’ve envisioned myself to become a mother of two kids (preferably a boy and a girl), a housewife and a teacher to my kids. When I got a bit older, I realised that those visions are not what I really want.

I realised that life was hard and having kids will make it harder. I discovered I don’t like kids and I’m not patient with them. I hate stinky stuffs. I love sleeping more than 8 hours and I love spending money on myself. My lifestyle doesn’t suit having children. My plans and aspirations in life will be hindered if I have kids.

I saw someone criticize unmarried and childless individuals as “sad in life” and “are not enjoying”, but are we? It’s true that I am unmarried. But I have a partner of 10 years and it looks like we’re still going. I am childless but I am so happy and enjoying life without one.

I have been told that I am almost “expiring” because women have biological clocks when it’s safe to have a child. How am I expiring when I’m still in my late 20s?

I was also warned that being ‘unmarried’ to someone I sleep with every night is unsafe because he might be only taking advantage of me. For what? We earn the same amount. I live in his house. I cook for him, he washes the dishes. He cleans the cats’ litter, I feed the cats. I am his first girlfriend, ever. He has not felt heartbreak from anyone else. If anything, I have the advantage in this relationship. If I leave, all my items will be left in his house. I will give him his first heart break.

Society has a way of making me feel like there is something wrong with me because I deviate from the norm. A woman’s worth is measured by how much they serve men, and that is sad.

All my life I’ve been told to be independent “in case a man leaves”. I believe I’m independent enough. I believed I am a woman enough that if I leave, the man will suffer.

I am a woman. But a woman who doesn’t want kids. A woman who doesn’t want marriage and doesn’t want responsibilities of a parent. A woman who chose not to get her vagina torn when she gives birth. A woman who wants to eat ice cream and not feel guilty because I don’t have kids who need me. A woman strong enough that if a man leaves me, I will cry and be sad about it, but it will not cause me bankruptcy and will not cause me to look for someone to latch on immediately. I am a deviation, yet I am the current secret norm no one ever talks about.